'Twas the night before Christmas Eve, Twitter style

Wow, look at this. Two blog posts in two days. Amount of work done on manuscript, however? None.

And before I forget, I actually guest blogged over at Totally Tay yesterday. Why? Because she's awesome and her I Believe posts are awesome too. She's going to beta read my manuscript and I'm hopefully going to meet her in real life when I fly to Arizona in April to visit Stefani and Mindy. She calls me an author on her blog, which is stretching the truth quite a bit, but I love that Taylor believes in me. Click over and check it out.

In preparation for the winter storm all the newscasters were wetting themselves about, Trish decided to spend the night at our house last night. David and I host dad and Debby, George and Stef and their kids, and Trish on Christmas Eve and Trish didn't want to risk driving through the snow to get here tonight. She's a total shit driver when the sun is shining and the pavement is dry so deciding not to risk the snow and ice was probably wise.

She showed up about 4:00 yesterday dragging enough crap to make me wonder just how long she actually planned on staying. The offspring tackled her immediately and Chloe got so excited she peed on the dining room floor. This is typical.

Trish played the board game Sorry with the offspring while I amused myself on Twitter. "Kids, does your mom ever move out of that chair or put down that stupid laptop?" Trish asked.

"No, she's on it, like, all the time," said the smart-mouthed eleven-year-old.

"Yeah, all the time," the sassy eight-year-old said, chiming in.

"For your information, we've spent the whole day together," I reminded them. "We made cookies and I took you to Macaroni Grill for lunch. Most kids probably had baloney sandwiches and you two were sucking down Italian sodas like I'm made of money. I haven't been on my laptop all day."

And their father was at a bar drinking in the middle of the afternoon with Jack and Tom but nobody said anything about that.

I already tweeted our evening but I'm going to re-post my tweets here too because I'm in a hurry and you'll get the general idea of how our evening went down.

Tweet #1 My twin sister just insisted I make her one of my famous cosmopolitan martinis. #happyalcoholidays!

Tweet #2 Just told my twin sister not to spill her awesome martini on my beautiful couch.

Tweet #3 My twin sister just spilled her effing martini on my beautiful couch. It's all of 7:03 CST time and *someone* is drunk.

Tweet #4 My twin sister and I are fraternal. Two different eggs, people.

Tweet #5 Now my twin sister is insisting we watch some bullshit show called Million Dollar Money Drop.

Tweet #6 My sister has a martini in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Say it with me: Double fister sister.

Tweet #7 Now she's pulled my offspring over to the dark side with her. They love Million Dollar Money Drop.

Tweet #8 Just told my twin sister: "Spill martini on my *other* couch, and I'm kicking your ass."

Tweet #9 Twin sister and offspring are now watching Million Dollar Money Drop in the basement. I am all alone upstairs. #yay!

Tweet #10 My twin sister and the offspring are screaming and cheering from the basement like Santa just showed up w/gifts & booze.

Tweet #11 My twin sister just sent my 11 year old upstairs with an empty cocktail shaker. "Aunt Trish wants a refill," he said.

Tweet #12 "Aunt Trish is fun," the 11 year old said. "Tell Aunt Trish she's switching to water after this drink." #buzzkill

Tweet #13 Now my 8 year old is juicing a lime for my twin sister. I give up. #happyalcoholidays #whereismywine?

Tweet #14 All I can say is I hope Santa is getting a load of the shiz going down in my house right now. #totalanarchy

Tweet #15 Oh sweet baby Jesus. My twin sister's totally annoying and pretend southern accent has reared its ugly head. #livedinTx

Tweet #16 My twin sister just busted out a furby. 1999 called. They want their hot toy back. #regiftfail #noonewantsit

Tweet #17 My twin sister just informed me she has Elmo doing the Chicken Dance on tap for someone next year. #Ipeedalittle


The sauvignon blanc was starting to impede the punctuation and spelling of my tweets so I signed off. Dave finally came home from the bar after six hours, we put the offspring to bed, and Trish and I called it a night an hour later.

The kitchen looked like a bomb went off when I came downstairs this morning, but what the hell.

My twin sister and I had a good time.

Happy Holidays!

Have You Ever?

Laid awake until two in the morning turning over plot points in your head?

Found yourself telling little white lies to people you love? For example, "I'm sorry I can't go to your party/open house/dinner/sporting event/concert because I'm busy" except busy really means you just want to work on your manuscript instead?

Spent upwards of three hundred dollars on ink cartridges and printer paper so you can edit on a hard copy?

Given up newspapers, magazines, and most television shows (except DVR'd episodes of Glee and Modern Family) so you can work on your manuscript?

Sat in a chair with your laptop muttering lines of dialogue out loud so it looks like you're talking to yourself?

I answered yes to all of these questions which is why I haven't posted anything for two months.

Revising the manuscript is the hardest writing I've ever done. I've been revising 50-60 pages at a time and then e-mailing them to my super awesome author-beta. Revising includes adding, deleting, moving things around, making sure each sentence flows, and that every single scene moves the story forward. It's amazing how much my novel has changed during the revision process.

I have about 40 pages left to revise. My progress is slow because I can only work on the manuscript for 1.5-2 hours a day (usually from 5:30 AM until 7 or 7:30). Then I go to my real job. I'm very lucky, though, because I usually have at least one long writing day on the weekend where I can get in 6-8 hours. Sometimes I have to lock the door so Dave and the offspring will leave me alone but generally, they're pretty good about staying out of my hair.

My word count is 80,000, give or take. I don't expect that to change much, even with final editing and polishing. That's the number I was shooting for so I'm happy it worked out.

In February, I'll start final edits which will incorporate feedback from my beta and Trish. Trish has been a wonderful (and totally unexpected) early reader. She paid me a nice compliment when she said she couldn't wait for the next batch of pages. "I want to keep reading and I don't even read books," she said.

Once the manuscript is polished, I'll send it out to 5-6 more betas. I plan on taking a month away from the manuscript to get some distance so while they're reading it, I thought I'd make some changes to this blog.

I am planning on splitting it three ways:

One blog will be funny in the 'hood. Remember when I used to write amusing things on the Internet? I'd like to do that again but because I sometimes use the f-word, I thought it would be a good idea to have a separate blog with posts about my sometimes alcohol-fueled dipshittery personal life.

The second blog will be written anonymously and not linked to this one as I do not wish to be sued by the *jackholes I'll be writing about.

And the third will be my www.traceygarvisgraves.com address. It will focus on fiction writing.

Making these changes will keep me busy during the nail-biting querying process which I'll start in March or April.

So. That's what I've been up to. I've really missed this blog and I appreciate anyone who is still stopping by to check for new posts. Thank you.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and happy new year. I am off work today and tomorrow and three days next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with my family and getting in a little extra writing.

I hope Santa is good to you all. I heard he's bringing me a Kindle (okay, it's not really Santa, it's Dave) and I can't wait to start loading it with books.

Cheers,

Tracey

* My neighbor Julie came up with jackhole. It's my new favorite word.

Fiction Thursday (or just insert whatever the hell day you want)

One of these days, it would be nice not to have to start my blog posts by apologizing.

But, sorry.

I know I've been really MIA lately, but after working forty hours a week, and making sure Dave and the offspring have food and clean underwear, I only have a little bit of time to write, and I'm concentrating on manuscript revisions. I am almost to the halfway point, and I am so ready to be done. It's not that I don't like revisions, because I love this part, but revising a novel is much harder than writing a first or second draft, and one of these days, I'd like to get the rest of my life back.

This is just my opinion, and I'm not sure if other writers feel this way, but revising means you have to fix everything that isn't working. You can't say to yourself, "I'm not thrilled with this section, but I'll clean it up during revisions because, um, that would be now.

The wonderful thing, however, is that after the revision stage, you're one step closer to final editing and polishing, and I'm really looking forward to that.

For those of you who will be beta reading for me, expect the manuscript sometime in February or March. I'd like to start querying in April, if possible. I started writing this book last April so if I meet all my deadlines, it will have taken about a year from start to finish. Not too bad considering I worked full time for much of it.

Also, I can't say enough about my wonderful author-beta reader. I am absolutely indebted to her, with no idea how to repay. I am getting ready to send her my next batch of pages soon (on Halloween), and her feedback on the previous installments has been nothing short of spectacular. She is that good.

She paid me the highest compliment by writing this on the last page I sent her "Now I want the next 50 pages right away because I'm definitely hooked. Take your time, of course, but just a kudos, this is where you want the reader."

Feedback like that is why I never hit snooze when the alarm goes off at 5:00 AM. I get out of bed, fire up the laptop, and get one page closer.

Thanks for still stopping by. I really appreciate it!

Tracey

Fiction Friday

Good Morning and happy Friday everyone!

Once again, I apologize for blowing off this blog but I have a good excuse.

I got a new job and I started last week.

As some of you already know, I went back to work last year at the offspring's school. I have a degree in business, not education, but there wasn't anything available in my field of HR recruiting (which is what I used to do before having kids). I worked as a teacher's associate in the 8th and 9th grade building and met a lot of nice people and got really attached to the students (and I just went out to dinner with some of my fellow teacher co-workers Tuesday night - we had a great time - I miss them).

Anyway, I decided not to return to the school because I wanted to see if there might be something that, you know, utilized my prior experience, and I was extremely fortunate to find a contract recruiting position at a local West Des Moines company. It happened a little faster than I had anticipated (I'm certainly not going to complain about that), but I still had a relaxing two weeks after the offspring started school to sit down and write (which is how I was able to finish the second draft of my book).

The contract is expected to last anywhere from 6-18 months and that's perfect for me. I am really liking it so far and I can't believe I'm saying this but it's been nice to return to corporate America (but maybe that's because I'm just, shhh, visiting.)

The only drawback to this whole OMG-I-got-a-job-thing, is that it cuts into my writing. I'm getting up around 5:00 and as soon as I'm out of the shower I power up the laptop and try to write for an hour-and-a-half or so. I also print pages and make some edits on my lunch hour.

As I've already mentioned, I finished the second draft and I'm now working on revisions. I also decided to work on my query letter (I've blogged about it before, I think) which is a business letter you send out to agents hoping to entice them into requesting a partial (usually the first fifty pages) or a full (the whole manuscript). If the agent likes it (and, almost as important, thinks they can sell it), they will offer representation and you are one step closer to seeing your book on the shelf at Barnes and Noble. They still have to sell it to the publisher, but once they do, it's time to pop open the champagne.

I posted my query letter in Absolute Write's Query Letter Hell section. In a query, you have to boil down your whole 350 page book into 250-300 words. Think of a query as a pitch, almost like the back jacket copy of a book. It tells the reader (and in this case, agent) what it's about but also makes them want to read the book.

I do not ♥ query letters. I would rather write another damn book then finish this query letter.

The problem I encountered in QLH, is that everyone has a different opinion: Some love the title, some didn't. Some think the second paragraph should have more detail, some didn't. Some thought the query should focus more on the characters, and their motivation, and some thought it should focus on plot.

Seriously, fifty responses later my eyes were bleeding and my brain hurt trying to absorb it all. I decided to pull back, work on revising the book, and return to the query when it's closer to the time I'll need it. But it's really important and it has to be good.

Now, the really cool thing that happened in QLH, was that I got an offer of a beta read from a published author. She provided great feedback on the query and then shot me a private message saying she liked my premise and would I be interested in letting her read it.

Uh, that'd be yes.

And here's the thing about Absolute Write. Published writers, some of them NYT bestselling authors, hang out there. Some of them are anonymous and some aren't. For a huge fangirl like me, this is like the coolest thing ever. . Agents hang out there too but I haven't posted any of my current book online for a number of reasons, namely that after QLH, I know I would receive feedback that may conflict and do nothing more than confuse me. It's a great resource, and I have posted in the share your work forum, but not for this book.

Anyway, I am in the process of revising the book and I am breaking it down into fifty page increments. I just sent her the first fifty pages and she sent me a very nice message this morning that did not say:

OMG, I am putting this in my shredder because you suck!

She liked the dual narrative and thought that the first person POV worked perfectly for two characters. She also said the main characters were likeable which is very important and something I tried hard to achieve. I want everyone to really, really, like these two because I want you to root for them later on and you can't do that if one of them is a total putz.

Anyway, she just started reading and she will be sending the pages back with her feedback and notes. I am still blown away that she would be willing to do this for me and I have no idea how to thank her. I did ask if there might be something of hers she would like me to read (which is kind of like asking a pro basketball player if they want your advice on how to shoot free throws) but she said okay and shot me her latest manuscript.

Hers WILL be on the shelf at Barnes and Noble and when I walk by I'll be all, "Yeah, I totally already read that - it's awesome). Her writing is so, so, good so I know I'm in really good hands.

Wow, this post is getting really long: does anyone want to take a break to pee or get something to drink? Sorry.....

Once revisions are complete, I will be sending the MS to my readers: Taylor, Penne, Gillian, Beth, Amy, and my hairdresser's sister. Oh, and Trish (because she'll be brutally honest).

I know that this blog isn't very funny right now, and that a lot of you have read it because it gave you a chuckle or two, but stick with me. I'm getting closer every day to this whole I-want-to-write-and-query-a-book goal. I've been working toward it for almost six months and realistically, probably have 3-4 more to go but eventually I will return to blogging about my neighbors and my 'hood and all the other things I used to blog about.

And I want everyone to know that I appreciate it when you ask me why the hell I haven't posted because I know that just means you'd like to read something I've written and that's all a writer (published or otherwise) can hope for.

So thanks, and happy Friday dudes!

Peace out,

Tracey

Fiction Friday

I'm sorry I haven't been doing a better job of blogging. I really meant to but the house has been so nice and quiet with the offspring in school and I've been trying hard to finish the second draft of my novel.

I finished about an hour ago.

I also wrote the epilogue, which I hadn't yet, not even in rough draft form and it made me cry so I hope that's a good thing. Actually I've cried several times when writing this book and I have no idea if that's normal or not.

I hope it is.

I am feeling pretty good today, now that I've reached this point. The book is not done, it still has to be revised and edited and polished and read by those who have graciously offered to give me feedback, but I am really happy to have made it this far.

I printed it out, all 356 pages. They won't fit in the binder Lauren decorated for me but that's okay.




I'm just glad I have them.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone!

Tracey

Fiction Friday!

I know, I missed last Friday. It's been crazy around here. The offspring have been busy guilting me into taking them swimming and to the mall and out for fancy lunches and to the place where we painted our own pottery and the zoo and the bookstore and a whole bunch of other places because, "Mom, school starts soon and we haven't done ANYTHING ALL SUMMER! Which, hello? I totally beg to differ because all I've done this summer is drive them all over town bleeding money and don't forget the trip to Disney World that jump started their summer vacation.

Ungrateful little mess-makers.

Seriously, the idea of hiring a nanny next summer and paying her to drive them all over town while I work has crossed my mind.

But! School started two days ago and I.Am.In.Heaven. You know I love the offspring with all my heart but my tolerance for their knock-down-drag-out fighting and whining and yelling is at an all-time low and frankly I'm surprised I didn't start swilling wine as soon as the school bus pulled away from the curb on Wednesday.

I didn't, yanno, in case you were nodding your head and thinking, "Yeah, that totally sounds like something Tracey might do."

I wrote instead. Approximately 2,500 words.

Frankly, I had been a little worried about my WIP. I found it hard to write the last couple weeks of summer vacation. I was tired of snatching two minutes of writing time here, or fifteen minutes there and having my train of thought constantly interrupted. I started to question everything about my novel because I was so used to it pinging around in my head constantly that when it wasn't, I worried I'd lost my focus and might not have what it takes to finish and I've got way too much invested in it to quit now.

Luckily, the one thing I needed to pick up steam again turned out to be SILENCE and I'm thankful for my (now) quiet house. And I'm back in the groove so my head is all crowded again but that's fine with me.

I am still working steadily toward the completion of the second draft. I have about 10-15k words left to write (give or take) and I'll be done with it. Then the real fun starts - revision. I'm actually looking forward to this step because I'll have the major creation of drafts 1 and 2 behind me and will move on to the editing and the tweaking and the polishing. Then my readers will get a copy and then I can start final edits.

I'm in a good place. The three days I've had to write this week have done so much for my confidence and reminded me why I started this project in the first place.

Because I just love to write.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Tracey

Fiction Friday

Happy Friday the thirteenth everyone!

Hey, you know what sucks?

WRITING A NOVEL.

Yeah, it's really hard and I've hit a rough patch. You know how I was all "Oh, I'm just gonna write to the end of the first draft and then start the second?"

Yeah, well, there was a lot of writing left to do. There's a big difference between knowing what's going to happen and actually writing it.

As I mentioned last week, I've been getting up at the ungodly hour of 6:00 AM to write before the offspring saunter into the family room demanding that I turn on SpongeBob. The problem is that I'm in such a groove when they come down that I wish I didn't have to stop. And sometimes I don't. I'm amazed at how much writing I can do with so much background noise.

I have no intention of stopping as I'm certain I will reach my goal of finishing a novel and querying agents. I'm just not sure of my timelines anymore. And that's okay because there's nothing worse than an undercooked novel.

But it's kicking my ass right now. I won't lie.

I think the best remedy is a two-day hiatus from writing, a big glass (or two) of Sauvignon Blanc, and reading a novel.

I just started Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. Something better happen soon.

Just sayin'.

Also, Suzanne Collins' Mockingjay comes out August 24th and the offspring go back to school August 25th. Don't call me that day. Don't text me, or tweet me, or e-mail me. Don't ring my doorbell. I'll be on my patio reading to see who Katniss chooses.

*crossing fingers* Please be Gale!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Tracey

Fiction Friday

Happy Friday peeps!

I don't have a lot to report on from the fiction front other than to say I'm still plugging away on my second draft. I've been waking up around 6 AM most days to get in a few hours of writing before the offspring come downstairs and turn on SpongeBob SquarePants and as long as I don't get lured away by the shiny Internet, I can usually meet whatever word count goal I've set.

I read something on Absolute Write that really resonated with me this week. Someone posted about not putting too much stock in critiques of your work done by other fiction writers. Writers all have a personal style and a favorite genre and if your chapter or novel doesn't match up well with either of those things, the critique can leave you feeling dejected and suddenly doubting any word you've ever written. The post pointed out that it's often readers that give the best critiques because they are able to see the story and not get hung up on technique. That's not to say that writers don't give great crits, it's simply a reminder to have a mix of both.

My sister Trish is the only one who has read anything from my novel. I chose her because she has no tact whatsoever will be honest with me and not pull any punches. It was her enthusiasm about my first chapters and my premise that helped motivate me to continue writing and I was very appreciative of her feedback. Trish will probably always be my first reader. Cowboy Dave also fields his share of questions regarding my male main character and whatever he can't answer, my pal Google does. If you pulled up my search history right now you'd be all, seriously, wtf?

Hopefully I'll have something for Trish and my other readers to read by the end of September but if it takes longer than that, well, that's okay. If there's one thing I know it's not to rush the process.

That's all I've got today - Have a great weekend everyone!

Hey guess what? Someone asked me to be a guest blogger again!

Hey everyone,

My friend Penne over at Little Girl Big Glasses is on vacation this week and I'm not. She asked me if I would guest blog in her absence and I said, "Sure!"

I recycled my I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant Post because I can hardly get new posts written for my own blog and Penne said I could.

Penne is my best friend that I've never met but that's only because we are limited by geographical constraints. She is a fabulous writer and she's hilarious (she doesn't rely on f-bombs to be funny like I do.) She has also graciously offered to be one of my beta readers when my book is done.

So please head over to Penne's blog and check her out and start following her so you don't miss any of her awesome posts.

And thanks again to Penne, my sista from anotha mista!

Tracey

Because who doesn't like posts about twins and mud?

About a month ago, my twin sister Trish called me up all excited because she won tickets to the Big Country Bash and wanted me to go with her. It was an all day thing and she told me we'd have a blast, listening to country music and drinking beer in the sun.

"But I haven't listened to country music since Garth Brooks was popular," I told her. "Like, since 1991."

"Oh that doesn't matter," Trish said. "Besides, Trailer Choir is going to be there. You like Trailer Choir, right?"

"No, Trish, I've never heard of them, because I haven't listened to country music since 1991."

She then proceeded to ask me if I knew forty-two more country songs, by bands that would be at the Big Country Bash. I answered no, no, no, still no, quit asking me, what part of this are you not getting, no, no, that sounds like a stupid song, no, no, wtf, no, no, Jesus, no, seriously that title is retarded, no, still no, I'll take no for $600 Alex, no, shut up, no, holy hell, never heard of it, etc.....

But, as I think I've already mentioned, they were serving beer so on the day of the Big Country Bash, Dave dropped me off at the concert grounds at noon to meet Trish.

I wore the super-cool cowboy hat I bought at Target. Probably the real country fans don't buy their ten-gallon hats at Target but whatever, mine was cute and cheap.

It had rained in Des Moines the night before the Big Country Bash. A lot. I mean like flash flood watches and stuff. Which I ignore, much like tornado warnings.

Dave warned me it would be muddy but Trish and I didn't realize how muddy until we got to the entrance of the Big Country Bash, henceforth known as the Big Country Mud Bash.

We had to cross a moat made of mud that encircled the grounds. Seriously. Either you go through the mud, or you aren't getting in.

Now I'm pretty sure that one of us is gonna land ass-first in the mud moat and I'm really hoping it's Trish and not me. She's got a bad leg and her back bothers her so my money's on her and once we start making our way across the mud moat it's every twin for herself. I scaled a particularly perilous section and looked over my shoulder at Trish and damn if she's not holding her own. Have I mentioned we're also carrying our chairs and beach bags and we're wearing flip flops?

We made our way closer to the person taking tickets. Not only have I not fallen, My feet aren't even dirty. Then I step in a squishy puddle which completely covers THREE of my toes in mud.

I was horrified, partly because sometimes I act like a total princess and partly because, hello? mud.covered.three.toes. I haven't even gotten in the joint and I'm a mess.

I had two bottles of water in my bag. I snuck them in so that I wouldn't get too hammered dehydrated but I decided to pour one of them all over my foot so it would be clean again. Is genius plan.

Until we get past the ticket taker dude. Then things really got muddy. Trish and I were trying to figure out the whole ID/Wristband/Beer thing and with each step, I struggled to pull my flip-flop clad foot out of the mud. Also, with each step, those flip-flops are spraying the back of my shirt with mud. A helpful man tapped me on my shoulder, pointed at my shoes, and said, "You're gonna wanna take those off."

So now I'm carrying my chair, my bag, and my mud-covered shoes. We still haven't figured out the whole ID/Wristband/Beer thing and I'm blaming Trish and Garth Brooks and the Grand 'Ole Opry for getting me into this fiasco.

We persevered though, and finally sat down in our chairs with a couple beers.





The guy behind us slept through half of the Big Country Mud Bash.



I threw my shoes away when I got home.



I especially like the juxtaposition of my Real Housewife of Dallas County fake fingernails with muddy hands.



Trish has muddy hands too but her fingernails are real (she would want me to tell you that).



I was doing okay until I had to stand in line to get us something to eat. I have no words to describe this other than ewwwwwwww. Kinda makes those three mud-covered toes not seem so bad.



It was shortly after this picture was taken that I had to visit the port-a-potty for the first time. The floor was so slick with mud I was convinced I would slip, my foot would hit the door while my pants were around my ankles, the door would fly open, and I'd give everyone at the Big Country Mud Bash the ultimate money shot. Didn't happen though!



Trish is nice to everyone.



It's going to rain any minute.



The sky cleared, the sun came out, and Trish made me sit in a garbage bag in her car on the way home.

We're totally going next year.

Fiction Friday

Happy Friday everyone!

Before I get to my weekly fiction update, I thought I'd let you know that my other blog, the one I've spent time working on this week instead of writing entertaining new blog posts for this blog, is coming along. If you see any links posted, here or on Facebook, and the title has a word in it that rings a bell, click on it. It'll be a work in progress for a while but eventually, I'll get everything transferred. Also, the 'hood is a happy place right now because a certain "problem couple" was told by the fine men in blue to STFU and quit calling them. I think the final copper counter was somewhere around 12 with the last 7 calls coming in over a 5 day period(none of the them involving my address, somehow) but geez, it was crazy here in the 'hood for a while.

Ah, revenge is a dish best served cold with alcohol.

As for my novel, I am making great headway on the second draft. I am about a third of the way through it and hoping to have it finished by the end of August. I also wrote my query letter this week. A query letter, for those who may not be familiar, is a business letter you send to agents. Its goal is to get the attention of the agent, tell them what your novel is about, and get them to ask to see more.

The first two paragraphs introduce your main characters and give a brief summary of your plot. After that you give your book's genre and word count and list your publishing credits (hahahahahahah).

At the very end you ask them to contact you if they would like to see the completed manuscript.

Lots of writers feel the query letter is harder to write than the book. I somewhat agree. It doesn't take as long but if it doesn't work, agents won't request your manuscript. Luckily, there are several online query critique options available to help you make it the best it can be.

The next couple weeks will be spent trying to meet my second draft deadline and hopefully, getting some more blogging done.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tracey

Fiction Friday

Happy Friday everyone!

Sorry I haven't been blogging much. I really want to but I'm afraid to take my laptop to the pool 'cause I heard they don't work well when you get them wet. It's been so hot in the 'hood that the offspring and I have had to escape to our local aquatic center to avoid melting.

Now that I'm writing my first novel I've been spending a lot of time reading agent blogs. There are a lot of good tips and I enjoy reading them.

Especially this one.

If you have time, read all the entries. They're hysterical.

Tracey

Fiction Friday

Happy Friday everyone! It will be a busy weekend for us because Matthew turns eleven today and this weekend is all about him with a family party tonight and a sleepover tomorrow. Sniff, sniff, my little boy is growing up!

It's been a good writing week. I didn't get as much blogging done as I wanted but I'm really happy because I finished the first draft of my novel a little ahead of my August 1st self-imposed deadline.

I think I have already mentioned, ad nauseum, that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm learning as I go. And for some reason I got really antsy this week and just started "writing to the end." A lot of the final chapters are only three or four paragraphs (to capture the main idea). I wanted to know where I was with the pacing so even though it bothered me a little to have such a skeleton version of the final chapters, I did it anyway. Then I asked Dave, "what should I do?" Should I go back and expand those final chapters before I start the second draft or should I just start the second draft?

Dave was, as always, worried that it was a trick question or at the very least, completely rhetorical, so he suggested I ask someone else. I posted the question on the AbsoluteWrite.com forums. I got lots of helpful answers, about the methods everyone uses, but it really came down to "You'll just have to figure out what works for you." But, um, I don't know what works for me 'cause I've never done this before.

So, what I decided to do was go ahead and start the second draft. I had things in the first that I already knew were going to be changed and moved around and deleted so I opened up a shiny new document and started writing.

I'm glad I did. When I first started writing this book, I decided to tell it in first person, past tense, from the point-of-view of my thirty-year-old female main character. But about a third of the way in, I decided it would be even better if I did alternating points of view with my other main character, a sixteen-year-old boy. That meant I had some chapters to fill in so I went back through the first draft and, at the top of each section or chapter, reminded myself whose POV I wanted it to be in.

The first chapter is told from her POV but the second is now from his. In the first draft, the second chapter was only 284 words (I inserted one of those paragraphs to remind myself what needed to happen and then I moved on). When I re-vised chapter two on Tuesday, it grew from 284 words to 1,110 for a gain of 826 words. That made me really happy because, not only was it a way to show the voice of the other main character early-on, he was able to provide information that was missing before. I am happy about my decision to do the dual narratives and wish I had thought of it sooner.

The second draft is going to be harder. As I mentioned, not only are there summaries that have to be expanded into whole scenes or chapters, there are also places where I wrote "show don't tell this here" or "use more description" or the even more worrisome "more!" so now I have to do that. I'm also a little worried about word count. The first draft came in around 60,000 (once I added 8k from my "scenes to add" document) but ideally, I want the word count of the final draft to be approximately 80,000 so hopefully all the things I need to add will get it where it should be while also allowing for the words I'll need to cut.

So, that's where I'm at this week. Hopefully I can keep moving forward and also try to get some more blogging done next week. And start that super-secret blog I hinted at because, holy smokes, that story needs to be told.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Post In Which I Get My Poet On

How we spent the Fourth of July - A poem by Tracey Garvis Graves

*clearing throat*

For the holiday weekend, we got out of town

To Tom and Amy's lake house, ready to party down

Here's Amy and me, having a smashing good time



Courtesy of a few beers and maybe some wine

Later on in the evening, with the kids tucked in their beds

I received a text that made me scratch my head

I looked a little closer and what did I see

Something that looked quite familiar to me

Son of a bitch, that's our bed, mine and Dave's

And those are my neighbors, giving us a Captain Morgan fueled wave





We gave them our garage code, fools that we are

And now they're treating our bed like a bar!

But it's all good, and all in good fun

And Dave and I thought of something when our laughter was done

So here's a message from us to you

Don't forget, we've got your garage code too



Seriously, how could you not want to live in my 'hood?

P.S. Poetry blows
P.P.S. I don't think I puctuate my poetry correctly
P.P.P.S. I don't really care
P.P.P.S. I used no bad words in my poem
P.P.P.P.S. I can write without using f-bombs
P.P.P.P.P.S. Fuckin' A!
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. *Sigh*

Fiction Friday And Some, Um, Other Stuff

Good morning everyone, welcome to Fiction Friday!

Today's word count on my first-ever attempt at writing a novel is 47,597 or 7,597 more than last Friday. That makes me happy because it means I'm still on track to finish the first draft by August 1st.


As I mentioned last week, I'm an outliner so I pretty much already know what's going to happen. However, new scenes, or things that can be added to existing scenes often come to me when my mind is idle. When I'm getting my nails done or taking a shower and especially when I'm driving in the car, scraps of dialogue or ways I can improve the overall structure of the book come to me and I rush to write them down before I forget. I have a "scenes to add" document with another 8k words in it that will be woven in during the second draft process. The middle of the night is also a popular time for my mind to turn over things, especially if I've been writing before I go to bed. I used to be the world's greatest sleeper but now I have a raging case of middle-of-the-night insomnia that can only be cured by firing up the laptop and writing down whatever I can't get out of my head.

I've heard about other writers saying things like, "My character demanded that I write more about him or her", or, "a character just refused to act the way I thought he or she should" and I was always all, WTF? Is your keyboard possessed? But this week it happened to me for the first time and it was pretty cool. A character who had, up until now been hanging out in my "scenes to add" document as "blonde girl" introduced herself to my male main character at a party. Huh. I didn't even know she was going to be there. She wasn't due to make an appearance until much later. Then, one of my supporting male characters stole the scene he was in so I wrote him a bigger part. He's been in the book since the beginning and the scene I wrote for him in the final chapter is one of my favorites (it's hanging out in the "scenes to add" folder too).

This is the part of the fiction writing process I didn't expect and being surprised by a character and having a really good scene float into my head is what keeps me going. I'm excited to see what else might come to me when I least expect it.

And I can always sleep later.


Okay, on to some other things. You may or may not have noticed that 13,000 words of this blog are no longer here.

Thirteen-fucking-thousand. It pains me to even write that.

However, Dave and I felt it was best to take some preventive measures so those 13k words are hanging out somewhere else for now.

I think I've made the decision to split this blog in two but I'm not sure how long it will take to do that and I have some technical issues I'll need help with. I'll pass on more information about that when I have it.

The counter is up to 8 (from 4 a couple weeks ago). We were not directly involved in the increase although it is a good indication of how far-reaching the actions of desperate people have become. The 'hood is sitting at a code level orange right now.

And I think I speak for all us when I say we're pretty pissed about that.

Welcome To The First Ever Fiction Friday

Hey, remember when I used to have Flashback Friday? But then I quit doing it because several of my girlfriends were all, "Oooooh, I'm gonna send you some pictures to use for Flashback Friday but then they didn't *coughAmyandStacycough* and I kinda ran out of funny old pictures of me from the eighties so I just quit coming up with new posts?

Well welcome to Fiction Friday which is really nothing like Flashback Friday except that I'm going to try and put up new posts on Friday (sure, like I haven't said that before).

I've been sitting on this post for a while because I wanted to get my blogging groove back a little before I mentioned the main reason I took the last four months off from posting. I've already said I was a little burned out and busy with the first full time job I've had after being home with the offspring for ten years, and that's all true, but there's another reason I didn't post anything for a while. Remember when I said a few posts back that writing a novel and querying agents was on my bucket list? Well I decided I'd better get started because that book was not going to write itself.

I've been working hard on it and as of today, I'm approximately 40,000 words in which is roughly half of the 80,000 words I need.

What a process.

I am learning how to write a novel as I write a novel, if that makes any sense. I think taking writing classes is great and you can even get an MFA if that's your thing, but nothing can teach you as much about writing as novel as sitting down and writing one.

I spend a lot of time over at AbsoluteWrite.com and cannot say enough about the excellent feedback and assistance I get from the wonderful writers that hang out there. If I'm not writing, I'm over there learning something new.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but the whole reason I started this blog was to have an outlet for my writing, to get it flowing again after years of putting it on the back burner because the offspring needed my attention more than my writing did. And the blog ended up being a blast and I met so, so many cool people who reached out to me and for that I am totally thankful and blessed.

But fiction was always the one thing I wanted to accomplish. And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. And I know some of you would like it if I wrote a book about the Yeti but that's just a lawsuit waiting to happen (sorry Elisa and Jules!).

Right now, I am totally immersed in getting my first draft written. There are two types of fiction writers, outliners (people that have a pretty detailed outline and know their beginning, middle, and end) and pantsers (who have a general idea but just sit down in front of the computer and start writing, letting the characters tell them where the story is going - flying by the seat of their pants, if you will).

I'm an outliner and the challenge for me now is turning that outline (really just a 5K word summary) into an 80K word manuscript. Once that's complete, I can turn around and rip it apart. Move scenes, improve the pacing and flow, and layer in description.

And edit. Oh my God, the editing. My first draft needs a lot of things to turn it into the second draft and I can tackle that head on as soon as I get the first draft done (self-imposed deadline: August 1st). Then it's on to the second draft which is when it will get really hard but really fun. My motivation to power through the rest of the first draft is the excitement I feel when I think about being knee-deep in the second. About how the manuscript will change and grow and become that much closer to the final draft.


The art of writing is re-writing and there is a commonly held belief over at Absolute Write that you can't revise a blank page so just get it down on paper and go from there. I totally agree.

Do I think it's the next hot best-seller?

Oh hell no.

But what I do believe is that I can actually be one of those writers who finishes the novel they started.

So, that's what I've been doing for the last four months. And I thought you might be interested in coming along for the ride. It'll be super fun. Or filled with rejection.

One of those.

But even if every single agent I send my query letter to rejects me, I can still say I wrote a novel.

And that binder I told you about, that Lauren decorated with the kitty stickers?

It's filling up. And that makes me super happy.

The Post Where I Almost Had To Kick Belle's Ass

Some of you may know that Cowboy Dave and I took the offspring to Disney World a couple weeks ago. And hello? I don't know if it's the happiest place on earth, but it sure as hell is the sweatiest.

We had a great time and we visited all the parks. Matthew and Lauren loved the Tower of Terror and the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at Disney Hollywood Studios, Cowboy Dave liked the beer at Epcot, and I loved Animal Kingdom because they have a ride called Expedition Everest. It's a roller coaster and right in the middle, a big ugly Yeti jumps out and scares you. My friend Peggy had told me I'd like that ride but she didn't tell me why. She was right. I loved it.

We also went to storytime with Belle at Magic Kingdom because my friend Keri told me that Lauren would love it and that they select kids from the audience to help act out the story of Beauty and the Beast. She told us where to sit in order to increase the odds that Lauren would be chosen as they usually picked kids sitting up front near stage left.

Lauren was so excited. When they started coming around to choose kids her little hand was up in the air and she had a big "pick me please" smile on her face.

They didn't pick her. She was pissed.

But when it was time to pick someone to play the beast, Belle said, "That man back there, in the grey t-shirt, come on up." Oh yes, grey t-shirt man was Dave. A very taken off guard, WTF you talkin' 'bout Willis (RIP Gary Coleman) Dave.

Lauren was all, "They picked daddy and not me!"

Dave was escorted to the stage and dressed in a beast costume. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. I was dying. I thought it was hysterical.

Until Belle made the moves on Dave.

She must have been waiting backstage in an air-conditioned room because she wasn't sweating at all. Her hair was smooth and shiny and her pretty blue dress wasn't sticking to her.

I, on the other hand, was rockin' a sweaty ponytail, a serious case of "hat-head", and it looked like I'd pissed myself due to a freak tsunami-sized wave that landed in my lap when we were on splash mountain.


Here's Dave wearing his Beast costume. He's such a good sport. If Lauren can't participate in story time, at least daddy can.



Hey Belle? If anyone's gonna undress Dave it's me as long as he gets his damn self to bed before I fall asleep and then actually he can just take his own clothes off because I'm probably kind of tired and I only have so much energy left .



WTF! I can see you! It isn't nice to try and steal my husband when I'm not exactly at the top of my game, Belle.

You total homewrecking whore.




See the look on Dave's face? This is what he's thinking: Gosh Belle, you're cute and all that and your hair is shiny and you're totally bulletproof against this God-awful heat and humidity but see that girl over there, the sweaty one who looks like she pissed herself? That's my wife and I know she doesn't look too good right now but she cleans up okay and I love her so you and I aren't gonna happen, K?

Belle finally got it through her big fat head that Dave wasn't the cheating type and we went on our way.

So if you're planning a trip to Disney World in the near future, be careful of that Belle.

God knows how many vacationing husbands she's got locked up in her castle.

And The Honest Scrap Award Goes To.......

Hey guess what? Despite my utter inability to get a single post written in the last two weeks I still have an award to post on this blog, courtesy of Funny Girl Goes Blog . The fact that she gave me the award months ago isn't stopping me from finally fulfilling my award duties though. Hey, better late than never I always say.

I'm supposed to tell you ten true things about myself that no one else knows. Since I've told everyone for more than they ever wanted to know about me in the first place, I'm not even sure I can come up with ten new things. Yet here they are:




1) I am working on my second novel. I submitted two chapters of my first book to an online writer's forum I frequent and while they said my writing was solid and the mechanics were fine, they also told me my chapters were boring and that I needed to structure the book differently.

Ouch.

I took the criticism to heart though and when I read the pages again, I could see what they meant. In the meantime, I had an idea for another book that I liked even better so I shoved the pages of the first book in a folder and started the second. I think I've been able to avoid the mistakes I made with the first book because of the constructive criticism the writers on the forum gave me. I may have 47 crappy unfinished novels shoved in a folder by the time I'm done but submitting a manuscript to an editor is on my bucket list and I will cross it off someday. Oh, and every day I print the pages of my current work-in-progress, three hole punch them, and put them in a white binder that Lauren decorated with kitty stickers because I am all high tech like that.

2) I like Coke versus Pepsi products, specifically diet coke. I will drink diet pepsi if I have to but I won't like it and I'll probably complain. I frequently have the Coke vs. Pepsi debate with my dad and my friend Stefani and so far we are at an impasse because no one is budging. I drink one diet coke a day, always with lunch.

3) I am fascinated by Mt. Everest and the people who climb it. I have watched countless shows about it on the Discovery Channel and I know all the different places the climbers reach on their quest for the summit. I don't want to climb Mt. Everest, but I love watching others do it. I also love the book Into The Air by Jon Krakauer which chronicles the tragic events that occurred in a race for the summit in May of 1996.

4) I don't like to travel because I can't stand sleeping in hotels. This didn't use to bother me but as I've gotten older, I can barely stand it. It doesn't help that I read articles in the newspaper about the resurgence of bedbugs (why media, why?) and I can't help but think about all the people who have done God knows what in the bed I am sleeping in. Shudder.

5) I like to listen to music really loud and I have always had the best stereo system I could afford (except now because I don't want to damage the offspring's ears). I'm pretty sure I already have significant hearing loss in one or possibly both ears. I was working out on an elliptical machine at the gym the other day and I had my 70's super playlist cranked as loud as it would go which is why I didn't hear the guy who came right up to me and grabbed my arm which made me scream. He thought I was his wife. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of him and now he can't hear either but it's totally his fault because he shouldn't go around touching other men's wives at the gym.

6) King cobra snakes scare the piss out of me. I can't even watch Rikki-Tikki-Tavi even though it's animated and has a happy ending.

7) I have to wash the outside of all fruits and vegetables, even things like cantaloupe and watermelon, before I will cut them and eat them. When I see people peel the sticker off their apple and eat it without washing it I'm practically apoplectic. When customers at the grocery store put their fresh produce in the grocery cart without putting it in a plastic bag first I stare at them openly and have to restrain myself from going over to them and saying, "You know that grocery cart is a holy fucking cesspool of germs, right? And, just out of curiosity, are you going to wash that before you eat it?

8) I should really have a hair power of attorney because I cannot be trusted to make good hair decisions on my own. If my hairstyle garners any compliments whatsoever, rest assured that, at my next hair appointment, I will fuck it all up by asking my hairdresser to do exactly the opposite of whatever she did that made it look so good, i.e. if it's highlighted I'll make it darker, if it's long and layered and wavy I'll hack it off and wear it all one length and straight.

9) I love watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, especially the shark attack files which sounds really morbid but it's not like I have a time machine people. By the time I'm watching Shark Week, these people have already been bitten and/or killed. Unfortunately, I may have accidentally scared the crap out of the offspring because they like Shark Week too and have informed me that they will never, ever swim in the ocean. That's okay though. The three of us can hang out on the beach scanning the waves for schools of bait fish and dorsal fins while Dave and everyone else swims. Discovery Channel? I'm sorry. Ocean swimmers? You're welcome.

10) I like Glen Campbell and have several of his songs on my ipod. I don't even care how unbelievably queer that makes me sound. Glen Campbell reminds me of growing up in the seventies and his music is pure nostalgia. My friend Ivetta and I made up a dance to "Southern Nights" for the school talent show when we were in 5th grade but we chickened out and didn't perform. "Rhinestone Cowboy" will always remind me of my friend Ben because it is one of his karaoke songs and "Wichita Lineman" reminds me of my friend Bobbi because her husband Travis is a Lineman and I have been known to sing "I am a lineman for the county...." when we are having lunch together. I can't help myself. My favorite Glen Campbell song is "Country Boy" (You've Got Your Feet In LA).

Now I just have to pick ten of my blogging buddies and let them know they have received this prestigious award. And to those that I choose? Don't feel like you have to do this immediately, or at all if it's not your thing. I just want you to know that I want to learn ten new things about you. Because I'm nosy.

I will be notifying the award recipients as soon as I compile my list of lucky winners.

Here are the rules for this award:

1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to yourself. It must be shared!

2. The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.

3. The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.

4. Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.

5. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them

Hey, Guess What? Time magazine must not think I'm that offensive because they sorta let me be in their magazine

Last week I wrote a post about TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. You can read it here or you can just scroll down.

I received several nice comments from my blogging buddies and friends. And when I got home on Wednesday, there was one new comment.

Erin G said...
ok this is the funniest thing I have read IN WEEKS. Did you know that Time magazine quoted you today? (that's how I found you.)

Anyway you're hilarious and now I need to go read the archives because I am officially in an AWESOME mood. :)



Um, what? Me, quoted in Time magazine?

I don't think so.

But then I googled and on the Time magazine website I found this (as always, click on any highlighted words and click back to return to the post).

I thought this was really cool. It's one thing to over-share self-publish every random thought that pops into your head but it's quite another to have a publication such as Time magazine quote one of those thoughts. I almost felt like a real writer.

I was so excited I printed the article and decided to show everyone at work. For those of you who are new to this blog, I have been a stay at home mom for ten years but since the offspring are both in school all day, I recently started working in our school district as a teacher's associate which allows me to earn a little money and be on the same schedule as the kids. It's working out well and my only regret is that working doesn't leave me a lot of time for writing. I will have the summer off though so I'm hoping to write more then.

I had not told anyone at school about my blog because it's rife with colorful language, rants about my neighbors, and posts about my love of wine and cosmopolitans. And not everyone likes that kind of thing which is fine because they can choose not to read it. But I really wanted to share this news with the teachers I eat lunch with because I had mentioned the TLC show a couple months ago and now I could tell everyone that, not only did I blog about it, but that Time magazine quoted it.

"Guess what guys? Remember when I was talking about TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Well, I write this humor blog and I wrote a post about it and Time magazine quoted it!" I pulled out the article and passed it around the teacher's lounge at lunch.

Jill: You should tell our principal so she can send a message out to everyone.

Me: Nooooooooo! I mean, I actually don't want everyone at school to know about it because it's kind of, um, inappropriate.

Hillary had her laptop with her so she typed in the address of my blog so everyone could read the post.

ACCESS DENIED. THIS SITE HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED AS PORN.

Son of a bitch!

I just got done telling all the Real Teachers that it was a humor blog and now they were all going to think I was some sort of Internet sex pervert.

"It's totally not porn!" I said. "It's probably being classified as porn because I use the f-word so much." I'm starting to get embarrassed at this point because they probably still think I'm all porn-y and now everyone also knows I swear like a truck driver on my blog. Any legitimacy obtained by being quoted in Time magazine is being summarily eclipsed by my potty mouth and my tendency to write about things that are considered adult subject matter. I'm a bit surprised that my blog would be classified as porn but then I remembered that I did use the word bone in this post. As a verb. Huh.

I'm glad you can't access my blog from school. I have two children in the district and it's good to know they can't pull up anything they shouldn't be looking at while they are on a school computer. And kudos to the district for having a solid barrier designed to boomerang dirty girls like me right back to the seedier side of the interwebs where we belong.

Anyway, I am still feeling pretty good about the Time magazine article. I did decide to moderate blog comments though in case any pissed off pooper/birthers found me and wanted to give me crap about the post. So far I haven't received any.

I did have one comment for moderation but it was somebody thanking me for the information on hydroponics. I have used the word hydroponic twice on this blog but both times I was referring to Trish's douchebag ex-boyfriend and the fact that he wanted to grow pot hydroponically in the spare bedroom of her townhouse. So I'm not sure what the person who commented meant by "providing information".

I'm a little curious about it though. If you read this post, or this post, you might think this is a blog about something other than f-bombs and vampire sex. And I'm starting to wonder if the next publication I might be featured in is High Times magazine.

But that's okay. I wouldn't mind. And I'll always be able to say that Time magazine once quoted me too.

TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

The other night I was lying in bed trying to find something to watch on TV and despite Dave's claim that switching from cable to satellite would give us loads of additional channels, my only choices seemed to be either Khloe and Kourtney take Miami or Keeping up with the Kardashians. Personally, I think the Kardashian family jumped the shark a long time ago and I'm not sure why they're still all over the TV but whatever, I was certain I could find something better to watch on one of the other 70 million channels Dave said we now had.

And then I stumbled upon TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. I was so amazed that such a possibility even existed I forgot all about how tired I was and proceeded to stare at the screen transfixed. One by one, women started explaining how they didn't know they were pregnant and they really just thought they were constipated and needed to take a poop and while I watched the show I could only think of one thing:

You have got to be fucking kidding.

As any woman who has ever given birth will tell you, not knowing you are pregnant, during the approximately 40 weeks you are growing a human being means that not only are you unobservant, you might be slightly out of touch with your own body.

I knew I was pregnant even before I peed on the little stick. My boobs were so sensitive just the wind blowing on them was agony. I felt certain that people at work could see them throbbing and would think something was terribly wrong with me. They got bigger immediately and Dave was all, "Wow! Your boobs are getting really big!" and I'd be thinking "Enjoy 'em now loverboy because in a few months you're going to be all, "Wow, your butt is getting really big too."

To be fair, I have two really good friends who did not know right away that they were pregnant with their second children because they had needed fertility treatments in order to conceive their first babies and neither of them expected to be able to conceive on their own. They were both pleasantly surprised when they discovered they were going to be blessed with another child. Yet neither of my friends actually went into labor, delivered a baby, and told everybody later, "You know, I didn't expect there to be a baby, I just felt like I had to poop."

And that's why I'm starting to believe that maybe TLC has gone a bit "Jerry Springer" on me because they know shit like this (heh, heh, I said shit. I made a pun) is going to grab my attention and generate higher ratings and a whole bunch of talk 'round the old water cooler. I mean, who confuses labor with a #2? And then admits it! On TV!

If the women on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant had never been in labor before it's understandable they might not know what it feels like but it's also like they're a little sketchy on the mechanics of poopin' too.

And I may not be as familiar with labor pains as professional baby mama Michelle Duggar, but I've done it twice and both times my main concern was figuring out how Freddy Kruger had gotten inside my uterus because it felt like he was trying to stab his way out with those finger knives every two minutes or so. Never once did I think, "Hey, maybe I just need to take a poop." Yes, your stomach can feel kind of upset during labor and there's the all too real fear of actually crapping on the delivery table but I can still tell the two bodily functions apart.

"Oh hi. You're a baby, not a #2 "

I know I kind of look like shit here. It's 2:17 AM and I just shot a 9 lb. 6 oz. baby out my hoo-ha without the benefit of any drugs whatsoever.

Can you imagine sitting down on the toilet and thinking something is going to come out of somewhere only to discover that something totally different came out a completely different orifice? That's what happened to one of the women on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. She thought she had to go to the bathroom so she sat on the toilet, grabbed the counter and the towel bar because it hurt so bad and her baby plopped out of her into the toilet water and when she tried to get up, she was slammed back down onto the toilet seat because she was still attached to the baby by the umbilical cord! And while she was in the bathroom all confused and laboring and delivering and stuff her baby daddy was sitting out on the couch with the popcorn bowl yelling helpful things like, "Hey, are you almost done in there?"

I mean, did it not occur to her to yell, "Put down the popcorn bowl you dumbass because something that is NOT a turd just came out and oh my God tell the paramedics they better haul ass!"

That's what I would have done.

On the show's website I found the following: We are looking for new stories for new episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Or, as they probably like to call it, more unaware women who had babies and not number two's and aren't afraid to have it re-enacted on national television.

Oh, and there was a woman on the show one night who didn't know she was pregnant TWICE. Probably you can tell I watch this show a lot. I've seen all the episodes. Some of them more than once.

So, I'm guessing TLC pays these women to go on the show? There's got to be some incentive for admitting you didn't know what the hell was going on.

But in that case, maybe the women are actually pretty shrewd. Maybe they don't care if everyone laughs at how clueless they are.

Perhaps they're even laughing all the way to the bank.

Good for them. Maybe they'll start a college fund for their little miracles.

P.S. Guess what other TLC show I'm obsessed with? My Monkey Baby. Oh my God, how I love this show.

P.P.S. And now I totally want a monkey baby.

P.P.P.S And I want to go to Baby Gap and buy cute little clothes for my monkey baby.

P.P.P.P.S. And I want my monkey baby to sleep with Dave and me in our bed.

P.P.P.P.P.S Dave just saw this and said my monkey baby cannot sleep with us.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S I know Dave will change his mind when I bring my monkey baby home so I'm not worried.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S And then we'll be as happy as these two!